


The One Where John Becomes John

by jackpip



Series: 3 Significant Figures [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alex is a good friend, Anxiety, Dysphoria, Gender Dysphoria, Happy Ending, John gets anxious, M/M, Non-binary Marquis de Lafayette, Other, Trans Character, Trans John Laurens, brief mention of depressive episodes, slight angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-24
Updated: 2018-03-24
Packaged: 2019-04-07 13:12:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14081643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jackpip/pseuds/jackpip
Summary: John Laurens was John Laurens. His middle name was Philip, and his favourite colour was yellow; just like him, the colour was sunny - it made him smile. His favourite day of the week was Wednesday, the moment of solace in the middle of the week where he and his two... friends (there was something between them, John knew it) could all make dinner and sit together, quiet and happy in each others’ presence. His favourite day of the week was also Wednesday because it was the weekly anniversary of the day he became John.





	The One Where John Becomes John

John Laurens was John Laurens. His middle name was Philip, and his favourite colour was yellow; just like him, the colour was sunny - it made him smile. His favourite day of the week was Wednesday, the moment of solace in the middle of the week where he and his two... _friends_ (there was something between them, John _knew_ it) could all make dinner and sit together, quiet and happy in each other’s presence. His favourite day of the week was also Wednesday because it was the weekly anniversary of the day he became John.

~

He was 18, nearly 19, when he’d had enough. He was tired of feeling awful, tired of being expected to be ‘ladylike’ - whatever the hell that meant - all the time. With age, his freedom to just _be_ was taken away from him, until he was stuck in a shell he was more than discontent with. He didn’t really understand how he was feeling, had no idea how to express it in words, but he couldn’t just repress it any longer - it was unhealthy and he’d just end up worse. Still, he had no idea what to do; for the first time in 18 years, he was lost. He obviously couldn’t tell his father, nor could he tell Martha, his own sister; he knew how Henry would react to any hint of ‘abnormality’ within his ‘daughter’ and, while he didn’t care in the slightest, he didn’t want Martha to think any less of him. Didn’t know _what_ she would think. Desperate, he turned to his best friend since 1st grade, Alexander Hamilton: once gentle, adorable and overwhelmingly heterosexual, now an equally gentle and adorable bisexual, admittedly with a penchant for getting into ‘too many fights for his own damn good’.

Alex was a blessing in best friend form. Took everything in his stride when he explained he wasn’t sure how he felt, except that it wasn’t female, grinning and slinging an arm over him when he asked to be called Jack, to use they/them pronouns.

“Of course, Jacky. Why the hell wouldn’t I?” He smiled, ecstatic that Alex so readily accepted him. “Wait, is Jacky ok? Sorry, I should’ve asked first. Also, do you still want to come help me find makeup for myself sometimes? Because of course anyone can look at makeup, and wear it, but I don’t want you feeling uncomfortable and stuff because that’s not chill-“

He rolled his eyes, smiling quietly. “Alex, can you shut up a second?” he interrupted. “Jacky is fine and so is coming to find makeup with you.” Alex hugged him tight, then started yelling about how stupid Jefferson had been in Debating earlier and everything was normal again. Everything was ok.

~

Just over a year after he told him his first secret, he told Alex something else: he was lonely. Alex was the only friend he’d ever really had, thanks to a combination of shyness, depressive episodes and an obsession with turtles. Martha had grown more distant from him or, maybe, he’d grown more distant from her in his desperate attempts to hide himself from her yet stay close to her - there was a certain irony in this, Alex noted to himself as his friend hesitantly relayed their troubles. Maybe, he thought, Jack should join one of those non-binary groups; he said as much and instantly got shot down.

“Alex, _no_ _way_ am I going to spend two hours a week with 14 and 15 year old kids! Sure, they’re probably cool, but I’m just turning 20 and y’know what? I want to hang out with people my own age. I don’t want to look creepy as heck.” Alexander ran a hand through his hair in frustration.

“No, Jack, look: a group for people aged 18-25. You’re aged 18-25, right? It’s not too old, not too young. Please give it a go?” He looked hopeful.

“Will you be happy if I do?” Alex nodded.

“Fine. I’ll try it once.”

~

 _Fine_ , he admitted to himself a week later. Maybe Alex had been right about the group. Having entered the building stuttering, thumbing his bracelet with his left hand, he’d managed to leave relaxed, grinning, and with his new friend’s number in his contacts.

“Je m’appelle Lafayette.” they had announced as they sat down at his table, smiling politely yet warmly and rendering him entirely speechless. A gentle smile, an encouraging look from those eyes, literally sparkling - _what the fuck?_ he thought - as they silently urged him to speak, and he was hooked.

“Jack. Jack Laurens.” He had tentatively reached out across the table to shake their hand, hoping it wouldn’t ruin the moment. Lafayette had taken his hand in theirs instantly, gripping it and seeming to pause for a second.

“You intrigue me, Jack Laurens.” They leaned across the table now, looking almost suspiciously at him. He recoiled a little, surprised when Lafayette immediately did the same and dropped his hand. “My apologies for making you uncomfortable. I am merely interested in talking to you, in getting to know you. You have kind eyes; I like this.” For the second time in two minutes, he was left utterly speechless. For the second time in just as long, Lafayette smiled at him, eyes crinkled. For the second time since meeting them, he was absolutely hooked.

~

He really wasn’t surprised that Lafayette and Alex got along so well. Since finding out that he had finally made another friend - _“It’s about time, Jack!”_ \- Alexander had been desperate to meet them. Despite all his reservations or, more accurately, his desire to not be humiliated, he was incredibly glad Lafayette and Alex had met; within minutes of their introduction, they were engaged in an intense discussion concerning politics and the intricacies of human nature, switching between French and English fluently. He hadn’t realised just how _intelligent_ Lafayette was; it was refreshing to hear another voice than Alex’s, even if it was vocalising the same opinions. The three of them soon began hanging out constantly. They were inseparable, even going makeup shopping together; the other two would apply testers to each other while he stood and watched. Every time, they offered him some. Every time, he politely refused.

“Come on, Jack!” Lafayette had pulled at his sleeve one day, begging him to try on the purple lipstick in their hand. Tired, grumpy, and wanting to go home, he relented and allowed them to apply it to him. No sooner was it on than both Alex and Lafayette gasped, falling silent; he spun round to look in the mirror, convinced he looked atrocious.

“Jack... You look _beautiful_!” Alex had exclaimed, and that was the last straw. He frantically wiped all the makeup off his face, wiping even where he knew there was nothing as his friends watched on in shock. He didn’t want to look beautiful. He just wanted to _be_.

~

That same day, the three of them held hands. They were in Starbucks, queuing to order drinks, when suddenly breathing felt that little bit harder, the concept of ordering, of talking to strangers a little too terrifying.

Needing to ground himself, he grabbed the first hand he could. Lafayette spun round, shot him a questioning look, then took one glance at his face and squeezed his hand back, their fingers moving softly against his knuckles. He barely noticed Alexander take his other hand, replicating Lafayette’s movements as he proceeded to order for him. He barely noticed Alex’s hand until it wasn’t there any longer, instead replaced with a hot chocolate.

“Two pumps of caramel. Way too fucking sweet; you’re insane, pal.” Alex grinned at him, sitting across the table. Lafayette remained next to him, still gently squeezing his hand as they began speaking to Alex in French; the two laughed about something and he vaguely registered them asking him a question before the three of them were out, out onto the streets and into the park.

“You looked like you needed space, Mx. Laurens,” Lafayette’s tone was gentle, and Alex’s hand was back in his, “so we brought you out here. Do not worry - Alexander has your drink.” They carried on walking, talking a little but mostly enjoying the silence, until they came across a lake. He spotted the ducks immediately, pointing them out to his companions. The three of them sat down on a bench opposite the animals as he watched them intently. After a while, a vendor they’d passed earlier approached Lafayette.

“Hello, sir. A lovely necklace for your lovely lady, perhaps?” He looked up at the man, anxiety rising his chest and  _something else_ crushing him as Lafayette squeezed his hand a little tighter, Alex shifting closer to him.

“No thank you. Goodbye.” The cold, calm look in Lafayette’s eyes combined with the way in which Alexander seemed to curl around the other two, ready to protect them, deterred the vendor, sending him away swiftly. Alex turned to his friends.

“Are you ok?” Lafayette nodded.

“I am used to it; my beard and my height make it impossible for people to not... _assume_ things. Jack?” In lieu of an answer, he half tucked himself against Alex’s shoulder, the familiar texture of his jumper an additional grounding force. They walked home slowly, both Alexander and Lafayette holding his hands.

~

It was that night that he realised he couldn’t handle it anymore. He hated his mind, hated the way it forced him to question and second-guess his gender identity, hated the way it always knew when he needed to change something. Hated the way his mind was always right, wished it would just shut up for once, its noise more incessant than Alex’s rambling at 1 in the morning. For weeks, months now, he hadn’t been feeling right. Identifying as non-binary, something that had felt so good, so right, for so long, now felt like a chore; that day had just made everything so much _worse_. Hanging off the edge of his bed, he grabbed his phone and reluctantly called Alex.

“Jack?” Unsurprisingly, he’d picked up on the first ring. “Isn’t it super late for you, pal? Not in like a patronising way, but in that you’re normally asleep by 11 and here we are at- wait, let me check-“ As Alex stopped talking for a millisecond to check the time, he tried to speak.

“Alex? I-“

“ _2:37,_ Jack _, what the heck?_ Jesus Christ, you’re turning into me! Why-“

“Alex?”

“-the hell are you up so late? Or should I say early-“

“Alex!” The concept of him yelling at his best friend, even just to shut him up, was so foreign that Alexander found his mouth snapping shut instantly.

“I’m sorry for yelling at you; it’s just... I need you right now and you going on about how late I’m up isn’t helping.” Alex was concerned. Jack never yelled at him. Jack never told him explicitly that they needed help, or him. Jack _never_ phoned him at 2:37 in the morning on a Wednesday in the middle of summer, their voice shaky.

“It’s ok, Jacky,” Alex couldn’t hear him cringe a little down the phone, the nickname sounding altogether too... he wasn’t sure, only that it was bad.

“Jack.” he whispered, not thinking Alex would hear him.

“Jack. Right. Sorry. Anyway-“ He stopped paying attention, beginning to panic as Alex assumed full mother hen mode. He’d sounded really rude, correcting Alex: the guy must hate him by now. Knee bouncing as he slid his bracelet up and down, he eventually managed to zone back in to the conversation.

“-you know I’m always here for you, Jack. Please can you tell me what’s up?” Shit. As stupid as it sounded, he was only just realising that he wasn’t sure he’d be able to talk down the phone, be able to talk at all. Considering just hanging up, shooting Alex an apology text explaining that he was tired before lying down and forgetting the whole thing, his friend called out again.

“Jack? What’s going on?” His resolve broke. One big, shaky breath. He could do this. If for no one else, for Alex. 

“Non-binary.” he whispered. Sentences felt impossible, but maybe just words would be ok. Alex waited patiently. “Bad. Too...” he trailed off, anxiety spiking. “Alex?” Needed reassurance.

“I’m right here, pal. Keep going - I’m listening.” There was a smile in Alexander’s voice, and it put a little courage inside his heart.

“Too... Don’t know. Not girl, not boy. Not _specific_.” Another breath, deeper, shakier.

“I don’t like being in the middle.”

“I can understand that.” Alex’s voice, his encouragement, pushed him over the edge into a flow of words he couldn’t seem to be able to stop.

“It’s like... It’s like part of my identity, as non-binary, is still inherently  _feminine_. I know that’s not the case for everyone - of _course_ it’s not - but it is for me, and I don’t like it. I’m not feminine at all - entirely masculine - and for me to be even associated with something remotely feminine in terms of identity just feels _bad_? Wrong, maybe? Uncomfortable, I guess.” He trailed off, breath hitching a little as he realised what he’d said. It wasn’t so much Alex’s reaction that scared him - he knew he’d be fine with it, didn’t care about that sort of thing as long as the person was happy - as admitting it out loud. Saying he wasn’t a girl was a big enough step. Saying he was the complete opposite? Almost unthinkable. Almost _impossible_.

“So,” Alex’s voice cut through his thoughts, snapping him back to the present, “if I’m wrong, you can just tell me and I won’t be upset or offended or anything, but are you trying to tell me that you feel like... that you _are_ a boy?”

“Yeah, I guess.” His voice was small, barely present.

“Ok! That’s completely fine, my dude. Do I still call you Jack, or?” He hesitated, not having put much thought into it.

“I guess it’s ok from you, and Laf, but not from anyone else? I don’t know - you two are different and I haven’t thought about any other names yet.”

“I get you, Jacky-Boy. Is that ok?” Alex confirmed, smiling audibly down the phone at his best friend. “Get some sleep now, alright?” And they both did.

In the morning, a phone buzzed atop a bedside table. Its owner sleepily pulled it towards him, squinting as he read what was written.

 **Alex:** What about John? As a name for you? It’s smart and super manly and it’s also Jack for short so you don’t gotta explain to people why Laf and I might call you that! I reckon it’ll suit you loads!

”John Laurens.” he whispered to himself. He smiled, loving the way it sounded, the way it felt coming off his tongue.

**_Jack has changed their name to John_ **

**John:** It’s perfect.

~

Alex told Lafayette later that day at John’s request; just like Alexander, they were fine with it, calling him John immediately.

“D’accord! John suits you, mon ami - it is very handsome.” John rubbed the back of his neck, blushing a little as Alex nodded in agreement. “Have you got a... middle name yet?” He shook his head, admitting he’d forgotten that they existed.

“What about Philippe? C’est très masculin - comme toi - and it sounds lovely with John! _John Philippe Laurens_. Lovely, non?” Before John could say anything to them, Alex burst out laughing next to him.

“I’m sorry, Laf, but _Philippe_? It’s so... _French_? He’s from South Carolina, not Versailles!” As ecstatic as John felt hearing his pronouns, he couldn’t help but see Lafayette’s slightly dejected expression.

“What about Philip?” he asked. “I mean, it’s like Philippe, just less French. Not that there’s anything wrong with French names, it’s just... I guess _I_ prefer Philip?” He wasn’t sure why it mattered so much to him that Lafayette liked his name. They looked at him, chewing the insides of their cheeks a little.

“ _John Philip Laurens_. C’est magnifique!” They grinned at him again and John, once again speechless from their smile, was glad Alex started talking.

“I know we’ve said it a lot, but it really suits you my dude. John Philip Laurens: my best friend. Yeah, that sounds perfect!” John matched their smiles. He started laughing a little, truly happy for once. The other two joined in and soon the three of them were in hysterics. Eventually, they calmed down and Alexander sling his arm round John’s shoulders, still laughing quietly.

“What’s your name, man?” John leaned into his side, a grin never leaving his face.

“John Philip Laurens.”


End file.
